The trials of
parenthood - a balanced family life
On Eid-ul-Adha, Muslims commemorate the
Prophet Ibrahim's willingness to sacrifice his first-born son at the
command of God, and how Allah spared his son and made him a Prophet.
When Ibrahim told his son that he had had a vision that Allah wanted
him as a sacrifice, Ismail agreed to it without hesitation:
Then, when (the son) reached (the age of) (serious) work with him,
He said: "O my son! I see in vision that I offer thee in sacrifice:
Now see what is thy view!" (The son) said: "O my father! Do as thou
art commanded: Thou will find me, if Allah so wills one practicing
Patience and Constancy!" So when they had both submitted their wills
(to Allah), and he had laid him prostrate on his forehead (for
sacrifice), We called out to him, "O Abraham! Thou hast already
fulfilled the vision!" - thus indeed do We reward those who do
right. For this was obviously a trial - And We ransomed him with a
momentous sacrifice" (37:102-107)
What is most remarkable about this story is how Ismail had complete
trust in the wisdom of his father's vision. How many of our children
would react this way if we said to them, "God told me to sacrifice
you"? Probably they would say, "Are you crazy?" They might accept
the idea of martyrdom for the sake of Allah but they would not have
the complete trust in his father's relationship with Allah as Ismail
had, which enabled him to believe in his father's vision, and in his
father's interpretation of that vision.
There is a big difference between this and mere blind faith. In
blind faith, one believes without knowing why one believes. However,
the level of faith displayed by these two prophets shows complete
certainty in Allah's plan and absolute clarity of communication
between God and servant. The sharing of this faith together resulted
in an unbreakable bond of unquestioning loyalty between father and
son based on the son's firm knowledge and security in the goodness
and purity of his father's motives. This deep trust could only be a
result of close companionship. Ibrahim had taught Ismail all that he
knew of Islam, and trained him in the religion. Together, they had
built the great altar to Allah. And yet, all their love was for the
sake of Allah. The father had no attachments to his future plans for
his son. Nor did the son have any goal other than to obey his
father, the Prophet Ibrahim, and to willingly give up everything for
the sake of Allah.
As parents, we have to keep striving to be worthy of our family's
trust by keeping our households focused on serving Allah alone. How
many parents are actually raising their children as sacrifices to
Allah? Like Maryem, have we pledged our unborn babies to the service
of the Lord? On the contrary, how many Muslim families push their
children harder financially and materially? Many parents try to
destroy a child's will, forcing him to live out their dreams. We
usually want our sons and daughters to attend a good college and to
marry the very best in status. But how many of us would celebrate
when our sons and daughters told us they are getting ready to travel
throughout the world as Allah has commanded? How many of us are
going to buy our sons and daughters a one-way ticket when they tell
us Allah has called them to make Jihad? How many of us would stand
in their way? Could we sacrifice our children for Allah? Do we have
anything close to the level of trust between the Prophets
Ibrahim and Ismail? Have we fully applied ourselves to passing on to
our children the undying love for Allah?
Or have our children already been sacrificed to our busy schedules?
We are very attached to our expectations of our children, but we
forget that they have claims on us too. According to the prophetic
tradition, all the time a man spends with his family is worship. Do
we sacrifice our time in order to contribute to our families'
Islamic growth? Do we consider our families an important aspect of
our Islamic work? Do we do Islamic work as a family? Or do we
actually abandon them in our religious zeal?
Sadly, many deeply sincere Muslim families are being sacrificed to
their fathers' misguided notion that it is manly to abandon family
life for the sake of being active in the Muslim community. Rather
than viewing their fatherhood and marriage as a service for Allah
and a means for purification of self, these men hold back from
loving their families too much for fear that this will keep them
from loving Allah. They emotionally distance themselves from their
wives and children as if they were obstacles on the Path.
This type of father habitually gulps down his dinner and is out the
door for the rest of the night. He spends long hours away from his
family serving on masjid committees, counselling strangers with
their problems, organizing fund-raising events, and attending
endless meetings. When he is home, he talks on the phone for hours,
sits in front of the email, and then collapses, exhausted into bed.
His wife may feel that it is her duty to willingly do without
marital companionship in order to free her husband to do the "more
important" work of Allah. But if the woman cares at all about her
husband, she will eventually feel betrayed and rejected. If years go
by and she becomes used to living without him, such that she no
longer needs or wants him, then he has lost her, and probably his
children also.
In today's world, it is not enough for the father to bring home the
money and then feel he has done his job. Sons and daughters need
their fathers to spend time with them. Sons who are deprived of
their father's companionship and affection are more likely to become
delinquent or deviant in their teens. Daughters who fail to receive
their father's attention and praise are more vulnerable to sexual
predators as they unconsciously search for a loving father
replacement. A desperate need for love and validation has led many
teens to forbidden and self-destructive behaviors, while kids who do
sports and have fun with their dads tend to have fewer social
problems such as smoking or drinking, and they are more likely to
have a stable and fulfilling marriage relationship in later years.
Wives who fail to receive regular doses of loving attention from
their husbands will lack the self-esteem to effectively train an
Islamic family. The wife's depression and nervous anxiety from her
husband's prolonged absences can affect her unborn fetus. If she is
struggling with her own feelings of abandonment and rejection, how
can she be everything for her children? But when a woman feels
cherished by her husband and respected, she receives a tremendous
boost of energy and there is nothing she would not do for him. A
strong marriage is essential to good health, longevity and a joyous
and meaningful existence. It is not appropriate to view our Muslim
families as impediments to our lofty spiritual ambitions, but
rather, they are a trial of our actual, personal application of
Islam.
Allah has commanded Muslims to pray regularly in jummah, and yet,
also to maintain loving relationships with our families. A masjid
turned into an all-night-men's-club has a destructive influence on
the family and community. Is there some sort of competition between
a Muslims dedication to Islam and his dedication to his family?
Raising a family is Islamic work. Maintaining the spirit of love and
peace at home is very rigorous, nafs-reducing, intensive Islamic
training. Wives and children need to included in Islamic work at
home or in the local community. Children learn by imitation, so they
need to see their fathers in action. When men use the masjid to try
to avoid marital conflicts and the strains of child discipline, they
avoid having to develop the patience, compassion and selfless
attitude that children and wives demand. This is a grievous setback
to their spiritual maturity.
Regular meetings are mandatory for Muslims to stay connected with
their community. But all Islamic organizations should adopt a
"Family First" policy if they are serious about being vehicles of
Islam. Lectures and conferences can only give people theoretical
knowledge. You may fully understand the status of women in Islam, or
the duties of wives, for example, but your trial is to see if you
can behave in this manner at home. Each trial that your family
presents to you is a means for inner purification, and serves as the
practical training and test of your faith.
Denying companionship to your spouse and children is not the meaning
of Ibrahim's sacrifice. At no time did Ibrahim give up or sacrifice
his relationship with his sons or his wives in order to follow
Allah. Nor did he leave his sons' religious education and moral
upbringing to their mothers while he went off to make dawah. His
sons were a priority in their father's life, and they had a close
relationship. When Ibrahim was ready and willing to sacrifice his
first-born son to Allah, it was not because Ismail was a victim of
parental coldness or neglect. Rather, he was the recipient of
prophetic understanding. It was as a result of the strength of this
family bond, that father and
son were united in full submission to the command of Allah. |
