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Six etiquettes of seeking a spouse:
An Islamic Perspective
It is not uncommon to see or hear about
potential candidates meeting in private, brothers and sisters
“scoping the territory” for a spouse that looks good at Muslim
events like conferences or lectures, or starting up a flirtatious
conversation with someone they are interested in. None of these
things fall within the guidelines of Islam.
Below are some Islamic principles,both general and specific, to
consider if you will be be meeting or seeking a potential spouse for
yourself or someone else at a conference, lecture, the mosque or
another event:
1. Ask yourself: Why am I getting married.
‘Because all of my friends are' is not a legitimate reason. This is
a good question to ask even if you are meeting the person to make a
final decision because it will be a reminder about the real purpose
of marriage from an Islamic perspective.
Marriage, from an Islamic perspective, is part of faith and it is
part of the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be
upon him).
As well, “my intention should be I am looking for someone with whom
I will build a family,” says Imam Muhammad of Missouri. He has
conducted pre-marriage counseling in the U.S. for the last 20 years.
“Marriage is a commitment and relationship that starts in this Dunya
(world) and will continue Insha Allah in Paradise together,” he
adds.
2. Ask yourself: what am I looking for in a spouse.
Abu Hurairah related that the Prophet Muhammad said: “Men choose
women for four reasons: for their money, for their rank, for their
beauty and for their religion, but marry one who is religious and
you will succeed” (Bukhari, Muslim).
This of course, applies to women as well.
However, religion it seems, is not always foremost in the minds of
many people. In fact, it's probably the last factor on too many
Muslims' list.
According to one of the seven volunteers who runs the Islamic
Society of North America's matrimonial service, being a doctor or a
lawyer is much more important to many Muslim women than piety.
And the men are not any better. Many matrimonial advertisements for
instance, demonstrate a key demand for a wife who is “fair, slim and
beautiful”.
“If we want to have healthy Muslim families then Deen has to be
first,” says the Director of Social Services for the Arizona Muslim
Family Health and Social Services.
She is one of the co-developers of the program “Marriage the Islamic
way”, which teaches various aspects of marriage such as how to find
a spouse, the wedding and the post-wedding marriage relationship
with your spouse.
3. If you're looking for a spouse lower your gaze.
This may seem like a contradiction, but it's not. Looking for a
spouse who has the right qualities and whom you are physically
attracted to does not mean throwing out the obligation to lower the
gaze for both sexes and leering or ogling the person.
“Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and be modest. That is
purer for them. Lo! Allah is aware of what they do” (Quran 24:30).
“And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and be modest, and
to display of their adornment only that which is apparent, and to
draw their veils over their bosoms...” (Quran 24:31).
“Scoping the territory”, from this perspective, would not be
Islamically acceptable.
Imam Nur Abdullah notes that looking at a potential mate is
recommended according to the Hadith:
Narrated Jabir ibn Abdullah: The Prophet said: “When one of you
asked a woman in marriage, if he is able to look at what will induce
him to marry her, he should do so. ...” (Abu Dawud).
This means the two potential spouses can look at each other but not
ogle or stare.
Abdullah also notes there is no limit on the number of times the two
people can look at each other.
However, both should fear Allah and remember the purpose of this is
to satisfy the need for physical attraction to the person you are
marrying.
He also notes it is not permissible for a man to see a potential
wife without Hijab, since he is not her Mahram (a relative with whom
marriage is not possible, or legally her husband). Abdullah says
seeing her face and hands are enough to determine attraction.
4. Get someone to help
Marriage is not something to throw yourself into all by yourself.
Getting the help of someone, especially parents, relatives, an Imam,
and/or respected and trustworthy members of the Muslim community to
either look for the right spouse and initiate and participate in a
communication process is very important.
In fact, even some non-Muslims have come to see this as a more
viable way of meeting someone instead of getting involved in the
disappointing dating game or picking someone up in a nightclub or
bar.
Involving others, by the way, does not mean signing over your right
to say yes or no to a marriage proposal. It simply increases the
likelihood of finding out important information about a prospective
partner in a way that maintains rules of Islamic modesty (i.e. not
meeting alone, see next point).
Getting that third party involved also helps verify if the person
you are interested in is decent, honest and respectful. This
person(s) often checks out references, asks about the individual's
character and behavior, and looks out for your best interest in
general.
This person should be a trustworthy Muslim, since you are seeking a
Muslim in marriage, and would want someone familiar with the Islamic
way of doing things.
For those blessed with Muslim parents, remember that they are
probably your best allies and helpers in seeking the right husband
or wife. They have known you all of your life, and have your best
interest at heart.
However, parents must be open and attentive to what their children
are looking for, and never forget the element of choice. Ultimately,
it is their son or daughter who is going to make the final decision.
They must never become too pushy or aggressive, whether this
pressure is being applied on their own son or daughter, or on the
person s/he is interested in.
If parents, other family members, an Imam or members of the
community are not available, you can also try seeking a husband or
wife through the matrimonial services offered by a number of
different Muslim organizations.
Always ask for references
This is also where your “third party” comes in handy. Not only will
they be able to be your reference. They can also check out a
prospective mate's references.
A reference can include an Imam who knows the brother who proposed
to you, a sister who knows the woman you may want to marry well, a
family friend, a boss, a co-worker, and/or business partner.
A note about honesty and references: the people you ask may know
something not very nice about your prospective spouse. Remind them
that if they reveal this information, they would not be backbiting
from the Islamic perspective. In fact, in the case of seeking
marriage, complete information should be given about an individual,
both good and bad.
The advice of one of the companions of the Prophet, Umar Ibn al-Khattab
can help in this regard:
A man came to Umar ibn al-Khattab and spoke in praise of another.
Umar asked him: “Are you his nearest neighbor such that you know his
goings and his comings?”
“No.”
“Have you been his companion on a journey so that you could see
evidence of his good character?”
“No.”
“Have you had dealings with him involving dinars and dirhams [money]
which would indicate the piety of the man?”
“No.”
“I think you saw him standing in the mosque muttering the Quran and
moving his head up and down?”
“Yes.”
“Go, for you do not know him...”
And to the man in question, Umar said, “Go and bring me someone who
knows you.”
(quoted from Islam The Natural Way by Abdul Wahid Hamid, p. 66)
This gives you three types of people you can ask about a prospective
mate's character: a neighbor, business colleague or someone who has
traveled with them.
5. When you meet, don't be alone
Umar related that Rasulullah said: “Whenever a man is alone with a
woman the Shaytan makes a third” (Tirmidhi).
Also, Ibn Abbas related that Rasulullah said: “Not one of you should
meet a woman alone unless she is accompanied by a relative within
the prohibited degrees” (Bukhari, Muslim).
Meeting alone, in the hotel room of one or the other potential
spouse for example, is forbidden.
The two cannot be in a situation where no one else can see or hear
them.
Instead, a discreet, chaperoned meeting should be set up. The
chaperone, while allowing the two to talk, is in the same room, for
example.
As well, parents or guardians should set a time limit, recommends an
American social worker. A whole day, for example, is too long for
this kind of a meeting.
6. When you speak, be businesslike and to the point.
The purpose of meeting and talking to each other must also remain
within Islamic guidelines. That means no flirtatious speech of a
sexual nature on either side.
A contemporary Imam suggested that some of the topics discussed can
include each other's interests, financial situation of the man, who
is Islamically responsible for providing for his wife and children,
and the two potential spouses' relationship with their parents.
He notes that conversations between potential mates cannot be
talking just for the sake of talking. There should be a firm and
clear intention of either pursuing engagement and marriage, or, if
one of the two or both the man and woman feel they are not
compatible, a quick end to the relationship.
This ensures both sides are safe from getting hurt more than they
could in this kind of a situation and remain within the bounds of
Islam, Insha Allah.
Other topics that should also be discussed at the early stages
include level of Islamic knowledge and practice, future career and
education plans, home making skills and where the couple will live
right after marriage and in the future (state and/or country).
Seeking marriage is something highly recommended in Islam. While
looking for a potential mate should be something Muslims help each
other with, this cannot be done at the expense of Islamic rules
pertaining to modesty and respect between the sexes. |
